How it all began
by wordy stuff
Summary: this is how it all began so before my thoughts so yeh this is he third one now i still wanna hear wat u all think cas otherwise i think im gunna stop writing or at least posting them so yeh similar to the others but not quite... no this is still johnlock i think..? but yerh joriart as well... sorry its so short


Do you know just how much it hurts when the person you truly love tells you that they like someone else? Admittedly I hadn't told him. But I had been trying to work up the courage all day. God when he told me I wanted to cry. Yes. Even I sometimes want to cry. I wanted to curl up in a tiny ball. And cry. Cry till my throat hurt and eyes stung. I wanted to kill the man who had stolen his heart. But I couldn't. The great Sherlock Holmes would probably see me coming a mile off. Well. To be fair normally he doesn't realise until my chosen victim is dead. I'm more of a challenge to him than normal people. I'm more like him. And I think it scares him a bit. Just sometimes. Anyway I couldn't. If I did. I would break Johns heart. And I NEVER want to do that. Not ever. I will never let him be where I am now. Stood by the love of my life's side wanting to cry. To pour out my heart. Or die. I don't know what I want. Well I want John. But I don't. I want him. But I can't carry on like this. Its ripping me to shreds. Being close to him. But nowhere near close enough. But I don't want him closer either. If we got together. It'd be pointless. He would still love Sherlock in his heart. And if anything happened he would wish I was Sherlock. I can't take that. I suppose that only really leaves one option. I won't tell him. I can't. Not now anyway. Maybe once I've gone. Because I can't stay. Not like this. I must go. Leave. Forget about him. Hope that maybe one day he will realise. Realise that I didn't just abandon him. Realise how much I cared about him. Realise how much I love him. Oh John. I wish you understood.  
He's noticed I wasn't listening to him. He's asking me if I am ok. I want to scream it all out. Tell him everything. But I can't. I look up. Into his eyes. I can't help it a single salty tear slides from the corner of my eye. I turn and run. I can't do anything else. I can't stop. He's coming after me. I know he's faster than me. That's Sherlock's doing. Sherlock. Another bitter tear falls.  
This was a mistake. He knows I don't cry. He knows I don't run from anything. And now I have. I know I can't run forever. And I know he will catch up. But I carry on anyway. I can't stop. I have no control. Tears are streaming from my eyes as I eventually collapse on the wet grass beneath me. I curl up in a ball. I know he is sat beside me. Silently. Working out what to say. The way Sherlock taught him. I know he can hear my muffled sobs. I know he doesn't understand how much this hurts.  
'Jim?' His smooth caring voice that once was his own and now is just an echo of Sherlock. A shiver runs down my spine. I hug my knees closer. And my sobs grow louder. He places his hand on my shoulder. I arch my back away from him as a jolt of electricity races through my body. He wants to know why I am upset. I can't tell him though. Not now. Probably not ever. Maybe when I leave. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and hugs me. I can feel all my worries leaving. He doesn't know what he's doing though. I pull away. Trying to get as much distance between us as possible. It doesn't work. He won't let me leave. He wraps his arms tighter around me. Almost prison like. But I love him too much to care. I feel like giving in. Exploding and telling him all. But I can't. Not if I ever want to talk to him again.  
I wish there was a choice. Were I could tell him. And stay friends. But unfortunately that's impossible. I can feel my heart shatter and crack. Slowly. Painfully. I manage to shake him off. It was worse than ripping 1000s of plasters off your skin. The slow torture filling my brain. It hurts so much. I stand and look at him still sitting on the grass. He's looking back at me. I can't do anything. Tears still falling steadily from my eyes. The words slip from my lips before I have any chance to stop them. I love you.  
I had told him. My hand was in front of my mouth. My eyes wide in shock. He was staring at me. Again I fell into the trap of running. I ran and ran. But this time there was no one chasing me. Well except his eyes. Piercing there way into me.  
A week later I had managed to avoid him on every occasion. I couldn't see him again not now. Not know he knew how much he meant to me. My chain of thoughts were ruined by my phone beeping. I looked at the message. No name just his number. I had deleted his contact. Trying to delete him from my life. But I remembered his number. Stuck in my head. I don't want to read what it says. I can't. Not yet. I put my phone down. Leaving his number flashing on the screen. I remembered my new found hobby. My new favourite way to forget about the world. Mainly forget him. I quickly pull on my trainers and run. I automatically went my normal route round the busier areas of london and then towards the park. I rounded the final corner before the park. Facing the gates. I saw him. And worse of all. Me saw me. How did he know about where I ran? I was frozen in shock looking at him. I turned and ran. This time directly back to my flat.  
I lay back in the warm water of the bath. Pulling my head underwater. Holding my breath as long as possible. As my head emerges for the sixth time. I hear my doorbell ring. I get out. Dry myself. And get dressed. Pulling on the closest pair of jeans and T-shirt.  
I open the door. I thought it was going to be the postman. Or maybe Moran. They were the only people who knew where I lived. Thinking about it I hadn't seen Moran in a little while. Oh well. There stood in front of me was John. I slammed the door shut. Locking it. How did he know I was here? I looked out of my window he was still there. I decided it was probably time to read the message. 'Jim, look I don't wanna upset u or anythin but could we please talk? I miss u mate.' I checked the window once more he was still there. Should I let him in? Was this some kind of trick.  
I decided to let him in. But also that this afternoon I would go in search of a new flat.  
I pulled the door open. Holding it wide for him to enter. He came in and followed me to the lounge. We sat opposite in the disgusting brown sofas which came with the flat. We sat in silence for a while. I don't know why I had to be the one to break the silence seeing as he was the one to come to talk to me. But I did.  
'Tea?'  
'Please, one...'  
'I know. One sugar and a little milk'  
He smiled back nervously. Not at all like the John I used to know. I stood up and went to the kitchen. Five minutes later I came back in holding the mugs.  
I sat back down opposite him. He took a sip from his cup and looked up at me. I automatically pulled my eyes from him to the cup on my lap. I didn't know what to say so we sat there in silence for a while. He finally broke the silence. He asked me how I had been. I couldn't tell him the truth. You don't just say 'oh well actually I've been crap. I wake up every morning burst into tears and I feel like there is a huge whole missing. And I think that if u hadn't come I would have died.' No that's just not what you say. I replied with a simple fine thanks u? which clearly my voice couldn't handle as it cracked and was hardly audible. I could still feel his eyes on my head. He said he was great. Fab! Just what I wanted to hear. My john was fine without me.  
'I've missed you.' It was very quiet. I thought I'd imagined it. My eyes stung. Badly. I knew that I was going to cry. I kept my head down. Ensuring that he couldn't see my face. Particularly my red eyes.  
'I've really missed you Jim. Please come back and stop avoiding me?' He had a pleading tone.  
Keeping my head down facing my mug I just about managed to whisper back that I wanted to. But that I didn't think I could. I felt a tear slide from my eye. I thought I had got away with it. But I heard him stand up and move next to me. He tried to drag me into a hug but I moved away. Keeping my back to him. I walked off towards the bathroom. 'Let yourself out.' I knew he had heard my sorrow and hurt in those words but I didn't care. So long as he knew what he did to me. And that he left so I could heal and forget. I sat in the bathroom my back against the bath facing the locked door. Through my silent sobs I heard him move not towards the front door though. Straight towards me. I heard him crouch beside the door. I watched as a small slip of paper slid underneath the door. I listened as he stood and left.  
I reached for the paper and held it between my fingers. Carefully tracing the edge. As I unfolded it the tip of my finger caught the corner of the page. A spot of blood left behind on the page as I pulled my finger into my mouth. I read it. Slowly. Very slowly.  
'Dear Jim,  
I know that I won't end up saying this while I am here. That is if you even let me in. So I decided to write it down. So I had a chance of doing so without being so shy.  
You know that I like you as a friend. And well I don't want to lose the friendship that we have. And as you know how we are now. Not speaking. Is basically throwing all that away. And well. I guess what I'm trying to say is well, do u want to give me a go. If it doesn't work out then we can always break up. Just I don't want to lose you. And I miss you so bad. Please come back.  
John. x'  
I knew I shouldn't have read it. I was so happy. I forgot all about the fact he loved sherlock. I forgot everything. I went and got my phone and texted him back that yes I would like to give us a go. I should have noticed the signs. By the next evening we had broken up. I was devastated.  
Another week later I released all the signs. I had been in tears when he asked me out. That's never a good sign or time for a relationship to start. And I had ignored the paper cut. A simple thing really. Just like our relationship in so many different ways. Short and sharp. With a stinging pain which lasts for ages afterwards. Just like us I stung. I was in a hotel in america. The only place I could find which didn't remind me of him. It was over. I had no chance now. Not ever.  
I stayed in the hotel for a month. Not leaving the room. Room service three times a day. But I had to leave someday. I went back to my flat. A small pile of post sat on my doormat. Lots written in Johns handwriting. I picked the whole pile up and chucked it in the bin. My phone had 15 messages. I turned it off and chucked that away too. I left the flat to go to the estate agents to find a new one. I almost missed them. The pair of them, Sherlock and my John walking right towards me. I stared. They were holding hands. They clearly had got together while I was gone. I looked at John he had stopped and was looking at me. Sherlock was too but I was completely oblivious to him. The tears fell once more. I turned and ran.  
I returned to my flat at 7 that evening to find them both sitting on my doorstep. They had seen me so I couldn't turn back. John unlinked their hands. I walked over them. Trying to ignore John saying that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out like that. I shouted back well I did though didn't I and slammed the door. I could hear him outside my door saying my name. I went and turned my music all the way up blocking out his voice. Tears streaming down my face I decided to pack. Leave for good and forget him. By midnight I was ready. I picked my phone up out of the bin and wrote Morans number on the back of my hand before writing 'Goodbye.' on a scrap of paper to poke through Johns door on the way. I left with my bag and left for the airport. Hoping never to see the pair together or separately ever again and that my broken heart would be healed...  
Six months later it still hasn't. I'm still waiting. I'm not sure what for. For John to come back to me. Or to forget him. I can't decide which.


End file.
